The Power of Validation in Parenting

Being heard is so close to being loved that, for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable." – David Augsburger

The Challenge of Watching Our Children Struggle

As parents, it’s hard to see our children struggle. If you’re like me, the instinct to jump in and fix things can be strong—after all, we just want to help them feel better. The problem is, when we focus on fixing instead of listening, it can backfire. Instead of feeling supported, our kids might feel shut down, misunderstood, or even like we don’t believe they can handle tough situations.

But what if, instead of rushing in with a solution, we paused? What if we listened first, offering understanding and support? The good news is that we don’t have to have all the answers to help our kids. One of the most powerful things we can do is validate their feelings—letting them know we hear them, that their emotions make sense, and that they’re not alone.

What Validation Is—And What It Isn’t

Validation means recognizing and accepting our child’s emotions as real and understandable, even if we don’t agree with our child’s assessment of the situation. It’s not about letting them off the hook for bad behavior, nor does it mean we avoid problem-solving altogether. Instead, it helps children feel safe expressing themselves, increasing the likelihood that they will be more open to guidance and solutions later.

But as well-intentioned parents, we can accidentally invalidate our kids without even realizing it. Here are four common traps we fall into—and what to do instead.

1. Validation Is Not About Logic

When someone is upset, logic isn’t always helpful. Imagine you’ve had a long, exhausting day at work. You stayed late to finish a project, only to have your boss skim over it and give you vague criticism without acknowledging all the effort you put in. You vent to a friend about it, saying:

"I worked so hard on that project, and my boss barely even noticed. All they did was point out one tiny mistake. It’s like nothing I do is ever good enough!"

A logic-based response might be:
"Well, that’s just part of having a job. You’re not always going to get recognition."

That may be true, but does it help? Not at all. What you probably wanted to hear was something like:

"Wow, that’s really frustrating. You put in so much effort, and it feels like it wasn’t even acknowledged. I’d be upset too."

Now, think about how we talk to our kids. Let’s say your child comes home upset after getting a bad grade on a test they studied really hard for.

Child: “This is so unfair! I worked so hard, and I still failed. I hate school!”

A logic-based response might be:
"Well, maybe you didn’t study the right material. Did you go over your notes enough?"

Sure, that might be true, but right now, your child isn’t looking for a study strategy—they just want to be heard. Instead, try:

Validating response:
"That’s really frustrating. You put in the effort, and it didn’t turn out the way you wanted. That’s tough."

After they feel heard, they’ll likely be more open to problem-solving later.

2. Validation Is Not Arguing or Criticizing

Even when we don’t agree with our child’s perspective, arguing about their emotions rarely helps. Imagine telling a friend about your frustrating day at work, and instead of sympathizing, they say:

"Maybe your boss was just having a bad day. You’re probably just overreacting."

Does that make you feel better? Probably not. Now, let’s apply this to kids. Imagine your child comes home from soccer practice in a horrible mood.

Child: “I’m the worst player ever! I missed that shot, and now everyone probably hates me.”

An argumentative or critical response might be:
"That’s not true. You’re not the worst player, and I’m sure no one hates you."

Even though it’s meant to be reassuring, it shuts down the conversation. Instead, try this:

Validating response:
"It is so disappointing when you have been practicing so hard, and it doesn’t go your way."

Once they feel heard, you can gently offer perspective: “It’s really hard when you feel like you let the team down. But I’ve seen how hard you work—I know one missed shot doesn’t define you as a player.”

3. Validation Is Not Jumping to Problem-Solving

When our kids are struggling, our first instinct is often to jump in with advice. We want to help, to make things better, to fix the problem as quickly as possible. But sometimes, the best thing we can do isn’t offering a solution—it’s simply being there, listening, and letting them know they’re not alone.

Going back to the work example, imagine venting about your boss’s criticism, and your friend says:

"Why don’t you just schedule a meeting with them and ask for better feedback?"

Sure, it’s a practical idea, and maybe after you feel like your friend understands something you would be open to hearing. But first you probably needed someone to say, “That’s frustrating. I’d be upset too.”

Now, let’s look at how this plays out with kids. Say your child is upset about friend drama at school, and you respond with:

"Why don’t you just talk to them and work it out?"

Your child doesn’t need a strategy right now—they need to know you get it. A better response would be:

"That situations are always so tricky. I bet that feels really hard."

Once they feel understood, they’ll be more likely to calm down and can either figure out the next step on their own or be open to problem solving with you.

4. Validation Is Not an Inquisition

When kids are upset, it’s tempting to ask a million questions to figure out what’s going on. But too many questions can feel like an interrogation, prompting kids to shut down instead of open up.

Imagine coming home after a bad day at work, and instead of empathy, your partner bombards you with:

"What exactly did your boss say? Did you ask for clarification? What are you going to do about it?"

Not helpful, right? Now, imagine your child comes home upset, and instead of validating, you start with:

"Why are you mad? What happened? Who said what?"

Instead, observe and wait. A simple, “You seem upset. Want to talk about it?” opens the door for conversation without pressure.

It sounds like…

Validation isn’t about fixing—it’s about connection. It’s about showing up and letting our kids know that their feelings make sense. Here are some simple ways to validate:

✅ "That must be really hard."
✅ "I can see why you’d feel that way."
✅ "I hear you."
✅ "Tell me more—I want to understand."

And here’s what not to say:

❌ "You’re overreacting."
❌ "It’s not a big deal."
❌ "You’re too sensitive."
❌ “You should feel excited (or insert any other emotion).” 

Final Thoughts

At the end of the day, validation is one of the best tools we have to build strong, emotionally intelligent kids. The goal isn’t to fix their feelings—it’s to help them feel safe expressing them. When kids feel heard, they calm down, think more clearly, and are better equipped to handle challenges.

So next time your child is upset, pause before you respond. Focus on understanding before problem-solving. You’ll be amazed at how much closer it brings you.